Reflecting on 2022
The year that forced me to sit with myself.
2023 is FINALLY here. I say that with all of the possible ‘gusto’ that one human being can muster. I am so happy that the year from hell, 2022, is over and in the rearview.
To put it blatantly, I struggled. 2022 was really the year of survival for me. This time last year, I wrote out all of the wonderful goals that I wanted to accomplish. It was a well-laid plan, I thought. If you are interested in seeing what I wanted to do, you can read this The New Year and Financial Self-Improvement.
Another good glimpse into my thoughts and goals this time last year can be found here, Setting Myself Up For A Transformative 2022.
Spoiler alert: I did not reach a single one of those goals. If anything, I actually went backwards.
What Happened?
My life completely transformed last year. In April of 2022 my longterm boyfriend and I broke up. I did initiate it and, to be completely honest, it was a very long time coming. You may think that that would have made it easier, but no. A breakup is a breakup. I found myself completely single for the first time in almost three years. Plus, I was living in a place still fairly new to me. My ex-partner and I moved here together in 2021. So, my whole life in my current city was all him.
Things kind of spiraled from there. I had to break a lease and move out of my old apartment, which cost money. Put a security deposit and move into a new apartment, which cost money. Plus, I had to buy new furniture. So more money. My savings was eaten away pretty quickly.
(I also would not recommend having Landslide by Fleetwood Mac come up on Spotify while packing up the apartment you lived in with your ex…unless you really want a good cry.)
I have thought about writing more in the future about dealing with a breakup like this. Being the one to break things off is a huge battle and extremely difficult. Although I knew (and still know) that it was absolutely the best decision for me in the long run, it really destroyed my mental health this past year.
2022 & My Mental Health
I have always struggled with mental health. Clinical depression was first brought up to me at the age of 13. Then in college, I got diagnosed with anxiety & chronic panic attacks. But, I have felt that I truly have had a good grasp on it so far in my 20s.
After I broke up with my boyfriend, I was truly faced with being alone. I had a few friends where I live now, but the majority of my friends and all of my family were 250 miles away (at least). I started living on my own.
As someone who has always been extremely extroverted and horrible at liking my own company — this was huge.
Along with my physical loneliness, I also felt alone in my circumstances. Four of my best friends and my twin sister all got married in 2022. I was in three of those weddings. While I was feeling alone, hurt, and lost, I had to watch those around me live their happy lives. I was happy for them, truly. But it also made it extremely difficult for me to want to reach out to them so as to not dampen their light.
My mental health declined so quickly. I stopped reading, writing, and working out. Most days I would just lay in bed until I absolutely had to get up, do my work, then wait until it was an appropriate time to go back to bed. I re-watched the same tv shows, doom-scrolled, and just felt like a true shell of a human.
But, I did start going to my therapist a lot more regularly. I was re-diagnosed with clinical depression, and put on medication, and she had me create an “emergency plan.” If that tells you anything about where my head was at.
Thinking about it now, it seems kind of trivial. That one breakup led to that darkness. But I had never felt that deeply alone before. The moment I came home to an empty apartment, and all of my ex’s stuff was gone…that moment changed me. I truly do not ever want to feel that way ever again.
What Helped?
Now, even though I was really struggling, I tried and tried to find ways to help myself. I knew I wanted to heal, but what did that look like? Well, it involved music, books, and friends.
- Trying new things (i.e. new hobbies, like gaming, hiking, etc.)
- Going out with friends (concerts, clubbing, restaurants, pumpkin patches, etc.)
- Listening to “healing” music. I even created a playlist!
- Reading. I read books for fun, but also read books like The Mountain is You & How to Do the Work.
- Journaling. Write out your feelings, cry them out onto the page.
Friendly reminder: you do not need to be in a relationship, to go out on dates. Solo dates & friend dates are just as important.
Growing Pains
On New Year's Eve, I created an Instagram post, about 2022. But the main point of it was that I didn’t want to solely focus on the bad parts. So, I wanted to also share all the good things I got out of this year.
- I have gained a ton of new friendships & deepened ones I already had.
- I have learned how to sit with my feelings & let myself feel them.
- I have taken ownership of my own struggles.
- I have learned how to enjoy my alone time, truly.
- I have created a home that I absolutely love.
- I have learned to set boundaries.
- I went to therapy consistently.
- I have put myself first.
I said it so many times this year, but 2022 for me was truly the year of “growing pains.” Even today, before I sat to write this, I watched a YouTube video about going forward in 2023 and she said something that really stuck out to me,
“Even if you’re withering, you’re still growing.” — Kalyn’s Coffee Talk
2023 for me, isn’t going to be about some crazy resolutions or goals. It is all about refocusing. I am refocusing on project “me.” My intention is to make myself happy and continue the work that I have already begun.
